Saturday, March 26, 2011

March Madness


Contrary to what the title might suggest, this post has nothing to do with basketball. It just happens to be March, in case you didn't know.

Anyway, throughout this month (mainly during Spring Break) and, really, throughout my life, I have compiled a mental list of the things I would like to find in a potential mate. There are the basics: male, good hygiene, and a thorough understanding and mastery of the rules of grammar.

Lately, however, I have begun taking note of more specific features my Mr. Right should possess. I'm really not picky, and most of these are traits I believe every individual should have, but men should definitely, beyond a shadow-of-a-doubt, have these particular ones.

So, the strapping gentleman I marry will:

1.) Be able to throw a spiral.

Not being able to accomplish this task is inexcusable. In fact, for over the majority of my life I was under the impression that being able to throw a spiral was something males came out of the womb knowing how to do. I was sorely incorrect. While at the beach last week, I realized not every person with male genitalia knows how to throw a football properly. I'm not asking for a Tom Brady; I'm just asking for someone who can throw a football better than I can. Just as some ancient tribes required a young lad to kill an animal before he could be considered a man, I believe the United States should require every boy to learn to throw a spiral before he is allowed to play Xbox for the first time.

2.) Know how to grill a steak.

This is imperative. I love a good steak. This also entails that my husband will not be a vegetarian. That is equally imperative. Grilling steaks is an art. Steaks need to be marinated and grilled to perfection - medium. The man I marry will know the difference between medium and medium-well.

3.) Drive in the correct lane.

This is a pet peeve of mine. The left lane is for passing. If there are no cars in the right lane, one should be driving in that lane. Just coasting in the left lane when there is no traffic at all may be harmless, but it's the principle of the thing. Drive in the right lane. Pass in the left lane. It's that simple.

4.) Know directional and spatial orientation.

There are few things more annoying than when a person doesn't have a good grasp on the concepts of north, south, east and west. The Sun rises in the East and sets in the West. Therefore, at almost any time of day, one should be able to know which way is north, which way is south, which way is east, and which way is west.

This also includes people who don't know geographical locations of places in relation to other places. For example, I have a friend from New York who says he's going to "come up and see me." That's dumb. He will not "come up" to Georgia. Georgia is not "up" from New York. It kills me when people can't figure this out.

I had a friend who was from Augusta, Georgia, located very close to South Carolina. I am from a small town in northwest Georgia. My family has a cabin just a little north and to the East, in Blue Ridge, Georgia. I informed my friend that I would be going to my cabin for New Year's Eve, and he, in all seriousness, asked if I could get him on the way. I almost vomited. The only place that Augusta, Georgia, is on the way to from my house is South Carolina, and even that's pushing it. Embarrassing.

5.) Not eat coleslaw.

People who eat rabbit food covered in mayonnaise cannot be trusted.

6.) Know how to change a tire.

This is important. Though I am familiar with the process, using the jack and tightening the lug nuts require a little more effort than I'm willing to put forth sometimes, especially if there is a male around. I have many male friends who can't change a tire, and they should be ashamed of themselves.

Also, knowing how to work a tire gauge is absolutely necessary. I got my oil changed and my tires rotated the other day, and the lady at the dealership who was working the register informed me when I handed her the tire gauge to add to my order that she "wouldn't know what to do with one of those" even if she did have one. She should be fired. That's just bad for business. That would be the equivalent of someone purchasing a George Foreman grill at a Sears, and the cashier declaring he would have no clue what to do with those newfangled things.

7.) Floss.

Brushing teeth is good, but it's just not good enough. There's a reason the dentist packs dental floss in the hygienic goody-bags one gets at each visit. Floss works, but only if we use it. People, both men and women, who don't floss bewilder me. I'm just more concerned with men flossing because my mate's mouth and mine will likely make contact at some point in our courtship and marriage.

8.) Not settle for original Oreos.

The only Oreos worth eating are Double Stuf (yes, that's actually how we are supposed to spell it). Original Oreos are a communist invention intended to fool consumers into thinking that that is the only amount of icing they need. This is a LIE. The proper chocolate-to-icing ratio occurs with the Double Stuf Oreo. Anyone who can't see this or chooses to ignore this is no friend, and certainly no beau, of mine.

9.) Sporcle.

Sporcle is one of the greatest things ever to happen to humanity. My husband will be fully aware of this fact. He will also be able to hold his own while Sporcling.

10.) Support the Georgia Bulldogs.

He doesn't necessarily have to be a graduate from the University of Georgia, though that would be ideal. He MUST, however, like to see them win as much as I do. He must also feel nauseated when they lose. He will know that Herschel Walker is the greatest college running back ever to live. He will know who Sonny Seiler and Vince Dooley are. He will know that it's called the Arch, not the "arches." He will know to say "Go Dawgs," not "Go Bulldogs" or "Go Dogs."


These are traits every decent person should possess.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Observe & Report

January has been a month of sparklingly new observations for me. The following list has been inspired by commercials, conversations, and real-life experiences. Some of these are anecdotes while others are just real head-scratchers. So, please enjoy this fresh, steaming pile of brain juice that I have been working on.


1.) Shipping Prices

Shipping prices really piss me off. I can buy an oven from Overstock.com and ship it for $2.95, but it costs me $7.99 to ship three thongs from VictoriasSecret.com. This makes no sense, and it really grinds my gears.

2.) The toothbrush/toothpaste aisle

If you venture to your local drug store or Wal-Mart, you should take a trip down the dental hygiene aisle, which is really just a big monument to American consumers' stupidity. You see, I can guarantee that every product you see will advertise something to the effect of "Total Care," "Complete," or "Advantage." I, and another dear friend of mine, find this absolutely hilarious because this implies that a previous product only provided partial care. My personal favorite is when I see a toothbrush that advertises "cavity prevention." That's like picking up a box of Hamburger Helper and reading "NEW! Prevents Starvation!" Duh.

The best part of all of this? Americans are just dumb enough to fall for this and will spend $3.00 more on a toothbrush that says "3D Whitening Effects" rather than buying the $1.97 toothbrush that advertises, well, its bristles and plastic handle. What on God's green earth does "3D Whitening Effects" even mean? Must I purchase special goofy glasses for this toothbrush to work?



3.) One of THOSE faces

This is a little different from the previous list items. I have recently been made aware that I have one of those faces. Yep. The face that says, "Yes, I truly care about you, your life, your feelings, and your decisions, so please come share them with me in extensive and exhaustive detail as I do my best to pretend like this is completely normal."

How did this come to my attention? Well, it really hit me on January 1, 2011 in a little place you might have heard of named Memphis. I had just finished consuming the free continental breakfast at the Hampton Inn that I stayed in for zero dollars when a gentleman who had evidently decided that footwear wasn't really his jam says to me, "Can you do me a favor?"

Here's what went through my mind in about 1.5 seconds. No, for the record, I'm not on crack, my neurons just actually fire this rapidly.

"Uh oh. Why did Rachel leave me alone? What favor could this man possibly want? UH OH. He's not wearing shoes. Maybe he forgot them. Maybe he lost them. Maybe he needs my assistance in finding his shoes. Maybe he wants a foot massage. Oh God. Please no. Did he really just walk around this hotel without shoes on his feet? Maybe he's a hobbit. No, he's too tall to be a hobbit. Where's Rachel? I thought she just went to get a bagel. Shoot. Why does he have a clipboard? Clipboards can't be trusted. Oh crap, he's probably got a survey."

Here's what I said:

"Uhhh, yeah, maybe, uhh, what can I help you with?"

He wanted me to listen to some of his music and tell him what I thought about it. Apparently, I have a face that just screams, "PLEASE CAN I SAMPLE YOUR HOMEMADE MUSIC?!"

I also cannot say "no" to people. This is going to get me into a lot of trouble some day, I just know it. Right now, however, it just gets me into really awkward situations.

I agree to tell him what I think of this music, and he hands me his iPod. I look at it with the expression that I had on my face the first time I saw a music video by Lady Gaga. I was puzzled. I then realize that this joker wants me to put his headphones into my ears and listen to this cacophony.

"Oh my God, he wants me to put these buds in my ears. These were just in his ears. He's still not wearing shoes. Can ear wax spread diseases? Where THE HELL IS RACHEL?"
I decide to hold the ear bud up to the right side of my head since this fellow is on the left side of me, and I doubt he has X-ray vision. I then proceed to listen to this music while the young lad tells me his name is Conrad.

"Well, that explains it. Never trust a person who doesn't wear shoes and whose first name begins with 'Con.' WHERE IS RACHEL!!!!!!!!"

Finally, I see Rachel round the corner, and I praise God. She'll surely know how to get me out of this pickle because she's not afraid to say "no" or "HELL NO" when it is warranted. Finally, she sits down and makes it quite obvious that she is ready to get out of Memphis, so I hand the iPod back to Conrad, not to be confused with a comrade, which is what this fellow surely was not, ever-so-reluctantly.

I tell him it was nice to meet him, wish him good luck, and say, "Maybe I'll see your CDs in a Target someday." I'm not really sure what part of me thought that was an appropriate thing to say to this up-and-coming musician, but Conrad just said, "Oh! YOU WILL."

Good to know. Good. To. Know.

We walk off, and Rachel says, "HEIDI! I left you alone for THREE SECONDS. GEEZ."










A couple weeks prior to meeting Conrad, Rachel and I were dining at one of our favorite restaurants in Athens when all of a sudden a little girl starts approaching Rachel from behind. This looks like the beginnings of a sneak attack to me, but apparently, whoever taught this nugget Sneak Attack 101 forgot to mention to her the importance of staying silent. The munchkin is making noises at a decibel level that is highly inappropriate in such a restaurant, but whatever. I can't say I haven't done that, and I'm 2o. This chick was probably 6. So, the girl starts chatting away at Rachel, and I think to myself:

"Wow. Rachel has some really young friends. She must babysit this little tyke. Wait. Why is this girl staring at me. Uh oh. She's making a bee line for me. Fight or flight? FIGHT OR FLIGHT? Oh crap. She's here."

The little girl then picks up my phone and looks at it like Frodo looked at the ring of Sauron for the first time.

"Is this your phone?" she asks, as her eyes fight to stay inside their respective sockets.

"Yeah, it is!" I say a little too enthusiastically. I then notice what I assume to be the second member of the lollipop guild. Both girls have the enthusiasm of Howard Dean when he was on the campaign trail in 2004. I find this a little unnerving, but I'm not one to poop on a party, and I figure that my OtterBox can surely withstand the powers of these young ladies.

Luckily for me and my phone, the pint-sized princess has the attention span of a goldfish and immediately decides it's time to showcase her karate skills.

I soon realize that this ninja-assassin actually had an excellent Sneak Attack 101 professor, contrary to what I had previously assumed, because the little sprite made me think she was safe when she was really biding her time until the opportune moment to reveal that she was actually a Samurai warrior. Well-played, Tinkerbell, well-played.

Out of nowhere, the looney bird grabs my face and makes what seems to be a cross between a yodel and a guttural roar. Just before she eats my face, her parents show up and get minimal control of the situation. They half-heartedly apologize, and I tell them it's alright, but what I really want to ask is what they were doing while their daughter began her rampage and scared the pants off me. I then deduce that they must have been porking in the bathroom because no parents in their right minds would nonchalantly allow their spawn to grab some stranger's face and roar. That's just...indecent.

The parents finally round up their clinically insane offspring and leave the premises as I shake my face out like a wet dog and feel my heart rate slowly start to drop. I then look at Rachel who has a look on her face that is akin to the look I had on my face when I watched Justin Timberlake expose Janet Jackson's ta-ta at the Super Bowl.



Happy January, folks.