Kids on Leashes?

I consider myself a pretty intelligent person, relatively speaking. There are some things, however, that I can honestly say I will never be able to understand. Enjoy!

1.) Kids on leashes.

If a parent puts his/her child on a leash, it means one of two things: either the child is a crazy, Rosemary's baby clone who, given the opportunity, will wreak havoc on all his/her surroundings, OR the parent sucks so much that given the opportunity, the child will make a mad dash to escape the life to which he/she is unfortunately bound. If a parent truly is that horrible, he/she needs a lot more than a leash to solve his/her problems.

2.) People who dress up their pets.

Cats and dogs are cats and dogs. They are not children. They, in most cases, have fur. The fur is there to keep them warm. Thus, they do not need clothes. If you force your animal to wear dresses and toenail polish, not only does your pet look a fool, but so do you.

The only exception to this is Uga. He can wear jerseys all day long. Am I biased? Maybe.

3.) Boys/Men.

Every time I think I have a grasp on this group of people, I am once again proven horribly incorrect.

4.) Theories of Economics.

I passed ECON 2105. I do not remember a thing from that class. That is probably best explained by the fact that I never understood anything in the class while I was taking it. Don't ask me why we are in a recession. The only answer I can begin to provide is that people aren't buying things. I am 100% aware that that is not a sufficient answer. I realize that not understanding economics makes me seem very inept and ignorant, but the fact of the matter is, I do not plan to run for public office, nor am I majoring in economics, so I will refrain from worrying about my lack of knowledge in this matter. I will leave this puzzling bit of life to those more suited to tackle it than I am.

5.) Lady Gaga.

I believe that she is creative, talented, and original, but in all honesty, she scares the beegeezus out of me. If I ever saw her in an airport, for instance, I would drop my luggage and run as fast as I could in the opposite direction.

6.) People who camp out for iPhones, iPads, and things of the like. If this gadget is more important to you than sleeping is, then I simply cannot relate. I cannot figure out what an upgraded version of what someone already has can do so impeccably that one would feel the need to lose sleep and sanity to get one's grubby paws on such an object. The exception to this? Harry Potter books. I have respect for people who camped out for those.

Harry Potter > iPhone.

7.) Terrorism.

Killing is uncool. Killing lots of people is lots of uncool. Killing out of obstinacy or ignorance is about as cool as a fanny pack.

8.) Most reality television shows.

Reality shows are silly to me because rarely do the people on the show have cooler or funnier lives than I do. I'm not being arrogant, I'm simply claiming that most reality TV stars are even more lame than I am. In the rare event that a reality TV star does have a cooler or funnier life than I do, I proceed to get jealous, which makes the show quite unpleasant. I would rather watch shows that are 100% made-up. They are 100% funnier, anyway.

Also, reality shows lie. They are the opposite of real, and I'm no fan of frauds.

9.) People who smoke around babies.

If you smoke, that's your choice, and last time I checked, the United States was still a relatively free country. But if you smoke around innocent babies, you deserve a swift kick in the ass.

10.) People who don't like candy, cakes, brownies, cupcakes, ice-cream, etc.

These people are not to be trusted.

11.) People who vehemently claim that they do not like to read.

These people rarely have a good reason for this claim, and the most popular reason is, "Reading is boring." No. Reading isn't boring. You're boring.

12.) The majority of rap music.

When I say I can't understand rap music, I don't mean that I don't like rap music. I literally just cannot understand it...in the same way that I cannot understand German. I am not embarrassed to say that I always have to Google the lyrics out of fear of being humiliated in public when I am at a loss for the "lyrics" to a rap song.

Cankles

I really love to laugh. I'm also very good at laughing. I greatly appreciate people and things that make me laugh, such as Chelsea Handler, my sociology professor, and really dumb people.
That being said, at times, nothing will elicit a greater laugh from me than some really fantastic words. So, here are some words that are guaranteed to get a chuckle out of me:

1.) Cankle - I don't believe one can hear this word and not laugh. It is fun to say and even more fun to picture. Try saying "cankle" and not laughing...I double-dog dare you.

2.) Shart - I am fully aware that this word is gross, but sometimes gross is funny.

3.) Brain fart - It's funny when it happens, and it's funny when it's said.

4.) Penetrate - This is funny because I have the mind of a 13-year-old boy.

5.) Erect - I can't help but laugh when someone says or I read, "He was standing erect."

6.) Gyrate - I can't help but picture someone dancing spasmodically, although that's not exactly what this word means.

7.) Frisky - I laugh when old people use this word to describe someone. They usually are attempting to describe someone as "feisty" or "perky," but my generation uses "frisky" and "horny" synonymously.

8.) Chode - I undestand that I am getting more immature as this post progresses, but this word is just comical.

9.) Dunce - People don't use this word enough.

10.) Crusty - This word is funniest when it is not describing food.

I hope these words make you laugh. I also hope that you don't lose respect for me since I have now shown how immature I truly am.

I'd Like to Buy the World a Rocking Chair

There are few things in life with which a large majority of people can agree. For proof, just look at the health care battle, religion, gay marriage, and practically anything else. I'm going to go out on a limb, however, and say that everyone likes rocking chairs. And the people who have never experienced a rocking chair would like it if given the chance to see its magic.

I was sitting in a rocking chair last night on the porch of a great house of a great fraternity on a great road in a great college town. It was pretty great. No, scratch that, it was the bomb. There are several reasons I like rocking chairs. Here are just a few:

1.) Not many chairs are made for the sole purpose of sitting and enjoying a sit. Toilets were made for a special purpose. Thrones were made for kings and those of the like to rule over their minions. Car seats were made for, well, cars. Kitchen chairs were made so one would not be required to stand and eat. Recliners, oddly enough, seem to be made for sleeping in case the television show one is watching is a bore. Rocking chairs, though. Rocking chairs were made for sitting (and thinking about life, which inevitably ensues).

2.) The inventor of the rocking chair is unknown. Some believe it was Benjamin Franklin, but I know better. You see, no one knows who invented this amazing chair because God did. He realized the world was missing something, so when he made Adam and Eve, he took a small chunk of the rib that he used to make Eve to make the rocking chair. This chair remained lost after Eve ate the apple, but it made a comeback in the 18th century. The history of the rocking chair was left out of the Bible because the rocking chair didn't want to have anything to do with the whole original sin thing.

While I have no concrete proof of this, I would tell naysayers that they have no concrete proof against it, so that's what I believe. God invented the rocking chair because no mere mortal could have invented something so perfect.

So if an atheist tells you they don't believe in God, tell them to go sit in a rocking chair in a very polite manner.

3.) No one would concoct a plan for world domination in a rocking chair. Why? Because angry and mean people are the ones who create such plans, and a rocking chair immediately makes people happy and nice. However, if one gets out of a rocking chair, the anger and meanness could definitely come back. Simply, people just don't think about oppressing other people in rocking chairs. People think about life, the Sun, the skies and sunsets, flowers, rainbows, cheeseburgers, beer, puppies, etc. in rocking chairs, but they certainly do not think about world domination.

4.) Rocking chairs rock.

5.) Rocking chairs are often associated with front and back porches, which are pretty awesome, if you ask me.

6.) Rocking chairs are soothing. You can ebb and flow to and fro. You can also bust some sweet rhymes.

7.) Rocking chairs also provide an ever-so-slight workout. What do you do in a normal chair? Sit. What do you do in a rocking chair? Rock. It's that simple.

8.) Rocking chairs have mystical powers. If everyone had a rocking chair, the world would be a better place. Why? Because like I said, people don't contemplate world domination and nuclear warheads in a rocking chair (that is done in labs and other gross places).

9.) I've never met anyone who didn't like rocking chairs, and if I do, I have a feeling we won't become friends.

10.) Rocking chairs always adorn the greatest restaurant ever, Cracker Barrel. If you disagree with that statement, think about this. Where else can you play checkers, eat yummy food, play the little triangle-tee game, and find the greatest candies and toys known to man? Nowhere esle, so don't even try to think of another place.

I really like rocking chairs. Some of the statements in this post may not necessarily be the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me God, but they're pretty close.

Go sit in a rocking chair today. You'll be glad you did.

The Secrets of Life

I don't consider myself to be a very wise person, but I do know some not-so-secret secrets that are sure to guarantee happiness. I will dispense this information...now!

1.) Jimmy Buffett relieves stress, no doubt about it.

2.) Sleeping late is good for you. I have no scientific proof, but I know how I feel after I sleep in on Saturdays, and that's all that matters. That being said, sleeping past noon isn't really okay. Sleeping late every day really isn't okay, either. Moderation is key, yo.

3.) Smoking cigarettes makes you smell, well, like a cigarette. That's not a good thing. Also, smoking cigarettes kills you and gives you cancer...not in that order. So, if you don't care about how you smell, perhaps you care about your life? If you don't care about your life, then you should stop reading about the secrets of life. DUH. I'm done rambling.

4.) Go to Disney World.

Why? Because I said so. Because no one has ever died in Disney World, Scout's Honor. How many other places are that cool? I'll tell you how many...ZERO. It's the happiest place on Earth. It's good for the soul, just like chicken soup, which brings me to my next point...

5.) Chicken soup is good for the soul...maybe not for the chicken's soul, but for your soul? Definitely.

6.) Be yourself. If you try to be someone else, you're going to confuse people, including yourself.

7.) Admit your mistakes and apologize. If you don't do this, you'll eventually run out of friends and people with whom to talk.

8.) Say "Bless You" when someone sneezes. Why is this a secret of life? Because if you don't do this, I'll kill you. Just kidding. But for real, be polite.

9.) Eat dessert. You shouldn't eat dessert for every meal or after every meal, but perpetually denying your body dessert is not good. You'll go insane, and a skinny looney bird is still a looney bird.

10.) Read...it's good for your brain.

11.) Laugh. It's good for your brain and your body. As Mr. Buffett says, "If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane." He's right.

12.) Forgive people. We all screw up. You'll want forgiveness one day, so don't be stingy with it.

13.) Listen to people. Someone once told me that we were given two ears and one mouth for a reason - we should listen twice as much as we talk. We all know those people who never shut up. Don't be that guy.

14.) Say "thank you." No one is too cool to be grateful.

15.) Always love. Hate will get you every time.

P.S. That's a song by Nada Surf. It's good.

100 Songs Everyone Should Have on His/Her iPod

Here is a list of great songs. These are not my favorite. I understand that my favorite songs aren't always great songs. For example, "Baby" by Justin Bieber isn't a musical masterpiece. I'm quite aware of that. However, you can bet I turn it up whenever it comes on.

This list, on the other hand, is comprised of songs that are not only my favorite but are, by all accounts, awesome.

So, if you do not know these songs, download them. You won't be sorry.

By the way, this list is, for the most part, random. The first 20 are the most important.

1.) "New Orleans Ladies" - Tab Benoit & Louisiana's Leroux
2.) "Tiny Dancer" - Elton John
3.) "Landslide" - Fleetwood Mac
4.) "American Pie" - Don McLean
5.) "Sweet Child O' Mine" - Guns 'N Roses
6.) "Redemption Song" - Bob Marley
7.) "Every Rose Has Its Thorn" - Poison
8.) "Purple Rain" - Prince
9.) "Please Come To Boston" - Dave Loggins
10.) "Rhiannon" - Fleetwood Mac
11.) "Mr. Bojangles" - The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band
12.) "Jack and Diane" - John Mellencamp
13.) "A Pirate Looks at Forty" - Jimmy Buffett
14.) "Only The Good Die Young" - Billy Joel
15.) "You Make My Dreams" - Hall & Oates
16.) "Crazy Love" - Van Morrison
17.) "Georgia On My Mind" - Ray Charles
18.) "Fire and Rain" - James Taylor
19.) "Keep On Trying" - Poco
20.) "Levon" - Elton John
21.) "Suspicious Minds" - Elvis Presley
22.) "Wonderful World" - Sam Cooke
23.) "The Way You Look Tonight" - Frank Sinatra
24.) "I'll Be There" - Jackson 5
25.) "At Last" - Etta James
26.) "Wonderful Tonight" - Eric Clapton
27.) "Baba O'Riley" - The Who
28.) "Brown Eyed Girl" - Van Morrison
29.) "Red Red Wine" - Neil Diamond or UB40
30.) "Night Moves" - Bob Segar
31.) "Dixieland Delight" - Alabama
32.) "When You Say Nothing At All" - Keith Whitley or Alison Krauss (I like Alison Krauss's better)
33.) "Sexual Healing" - Marvin Gaye
34.) "Somebody To Love" - Queen
35.) "Sister Christian" - Night Ranger
36.) "Man In The Mirror" - Michael Jackson
37.) "Send Me On My Way" - Rusted Root
38.) "Over The Rainbow" - Isreal Kamakawiwoʻole's version (this is a medley with "What a Wonderful World," and it's awesome)
39.) "Unchained Melody" - The Righteous Brothers
40.) "Cool Change" - The Little River Band
41.) "The Boys of Summer" - Don Henley
42.) "Peace of Mind" - Boston
43.) "The Times They Are A-Changin' " - Bob Dylan
44.) "Learn To Fly" - Foo Fighters
45.) "Wagon Wheel" -Old Crow Medicine Show
46.) "Blue Eyes Blue" - Eric Clapton
47.) "Better Man" - Pearl Jam
48.) "Afternoon Delight" - Starland Vocal Band
49.) "The Joker" - Steve Miller Band
50.) "Let It Be" - The Beatles
51.) "For What It's Worth" - Buffalo Springfield
52.) "Arms of a Woman" - Amos Lee
53.) "When You Come Back Down" - Nickel Creek
54.) "By Your Side" - Sade
55.) "Black Balloon" - Goo Goo Dolls
56.) "Come Fly With Me" - Frank Sinatra
57.) "Midnight Train to Georgia" - Gladys Knight and the Pips
58.) "Somebody's Baby" - Jackson Browne
59.) "Changes in Latitudes, Changes in Attitudes" - Jimmy Buffett
60.) "Jolly Mon Sing" - Jimmy Buffett
61.) "Something About The Way You Look Tonight" - Elton John
62.) "Hurts So Good" - John Mellencamp
63.) "Don't Stop Believin' " - Journey
64.) "What a Wonderful World" - Louis Armstrong
65.) "Dance Little Jean" - The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band
66.) "Walkin' After Midnight" - Patsy Cline
67.) "In The Air Tonight" - Phil Collins
68.) "Mrs. Robinson" - Simon and Garfunkel
69.) "Everyday People" - Sly and the Family Stone
70.) "Edge of Seventeen" - Stevie Nicks
71.) "Come Sail Away" - Styx
72.) "Drive (For Daddy Gene)" - Alan Jackson
73.) "Free Fallin' " - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
74.) "Where the Green Grass Grows" - Tim McGraw
75.) "Talkin' Bout a Revolution" - Tracy Chapman
76.) "Stuck in A Moment You Can't Get Out Of" - U2
77.) "Heat of the Moment" - Asia
78.) "Don't Worry Baby" - The Beach Boys
79.) "Stand By Me" - Ben E. King
80.) "A Lifetime" - Better Than Ezra
81.) "Devil Went Down to Georgia" - Charlie Daniels Band
82.) "Easy" - The Commodores
83.) "Ain't No Sunshine" - Bill Withers
84.) "I'll Be Seeing You" - Billie Holiday
85.) "Blowin' In The Wind" - Bob Dylan
86.) "Alabama" - Cross Canadian Ragweed
87.) "I Can't Make You Love Me" - Bonnie Raitt
88.) "Stealing Kisses" - Faith Hill
89.) "Time After Time" - Cyndi Lauper
90.) "Come Monday" - Jimmy Buffett
91.) "Good Riddance" - Green Day
92.) "Calling Baton Rouge" - Garth Brooks
93.) "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" - Aerosmith
94.) "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" - Death Cab For Cutie
95.) "This Year's Love" - David Gray
96.) "Go Your Own Way" - Fleetwood Mac
97.) "Midnight Rider" - The Allman Brothers Band
98.) "Blue Clear Sky" - George Strait
99.) "Carry On Wayward Son" - Kansas
100.) "Signed, Sealed, Delivered, I'm Yours" - Stevie Wonder

Word To Ya Motha

I really like words. Without words, my blog would be nothing. Also, without words, human communication would be reduced to grunts and moans. I believe those should be left to the more primal aspects of our lives.

Here are some words that I simply adore:

hoopla
bamboozle
methinks
perhaps
rancid
confound
shenanigan


Here are some words that should be banned from the English language (for various reasons):

delicious - I only dislike this word when it is actually used to describe food/a meal (i.e. That turkey was delicious, Grandma!) If it is used to describe the way someone looks, that's perfectly acceptable...and funny. (i.e. Oh mah Gawd, that boy is DELICIOUS!)

taut - This word would be fine; however, the first few times I ever saw this word used were in articles and directions on how to wax a (preferably your own) bikini line. The directions always say, "Pull the skin taut." That's gross. Unfortunately, now when I see that word, I automatically think about a hairy, waxy, bikini line. And you will probably think the same thing now. Sorry.

panties - This just does not roll off the tongue well. Say undergarments, unmentionables, underoos, I don't care. Just don't say panties, for the love of God and all that is holy.

poot - This might by the grand-daddy of all disgusting words. If this list were in order, this word would have been first. Just say fart...or expelled gas... just please, for my sanity, don't say this word.

tender - This word is okay when describing meat. It is not okay when describing anything about or pertaining to a person (i.e. voice, touch, etc.) It sounds creepy.

the "N" word - If you use this word, I lose all respect for you, regardless of your race. It's not cool. Please omit it from your vocabulary.

faggot - This is offensive. It should not be used to describe anyone. Get creative. Think of a better word.

That's all for now. Feel free to tell me about words that you love or hate. It's fun.

Top 10 Most Annoying Facebook-ers

This is a comprehensive list of the most annoying Facebook users and their outrageously obnoxious behaviors. If you are a habitual violator of any of the following, stop immediately or risk being reported to the Facebook police.

10.) People who partake in the interactive/activity statuses. For example:
"Like my status and I'll rate how good you look on a scale of 1-10"
Really?

9.) People who post endless pictures of themselves playing tonsil-hockey with their boo. That's gross. I'm not jealous or happy for you; I'm simply disgusted.

8.) People who use their statuses to shout out to other people. For example:
Jane Doe loves her gurls, Mary Smith and Anne Johnson!
Jane Doe loves her boyfriend John Adams so much!
If you really want them to know this, text them or call them. Do not write it on their wall because it will then just blow up my News Feed.

7.) People who are mad at the world and everyone in it and use their statuses to let this be known. For example:
John Man, f*ck all this. I give up! I'm better than this bullsh*t.
Please stop being vulgar, and STOP WHINING.

6.) People who use their statuses to reveal only trivial nonsense. For example:
Jane is in class.
Bob is asleep.
Jim is in the car.
Thank you for informing me. I don't know how my life would have gone on without that little gem.

5.) People whose wall-to-wall's resemble/substitute texting. For example:
Jane -> John: Baby, I love you so much. I'm so glad we got to hang out last night. Thank you for being the most amazing boyfriend ever! I LOVE YOU.
John -> Jane: Baby, I love you more. I'm so lucky to have you in my life. You complete me.
This is also disgusting and obnoxious. I would almost rather see pictures of you kissing.

4.) Those people who "like" everything. (And the people who create these ridiculous pages for others to like.) Here are some real examples:
Mike likes: that protective feeling over a friend you adore :)
You probably won't remember half of the things I never forget (Pleast stop being a Drama Queen)
Long, soft, slow, breath-taking kisses
Not having STD's (You're human. Of course, you like not having STD's. Stop being pointless.)

I have a friend who has literally "liked" 1062 pages. This is strange.

3.) People who take pictures of themselves in front of a mirror. You look pathetic.

2.) Boys who take pictures of themselves in the mirror without wearing a shirt. Thank you for letting me know that you are a douche-bag without me actually having to speak to you.

1.) People who use their statuses as diaries/journals. For example:
Susan is really upset and stressed because she has nothing to wear and her mother won't stop nagging her and she has so much homework and she is so tired.

Number 1.) That's a run-on sentence.
Number 2.) Stop whining. You sound pathetic.