10 Recent Events That Made Me Very Confused About My Age

5 Events That Made Me Feel Old:

1.) This is my first post on this blog in 2 years. I also couldn't remember the name of my own (obviously highly-trafficked and beloved) blog for the last 3 months. The early signs of dementia are afoot.

2.) I'm going to Disney World next week for my last college spring break.

3.) I'm going to Disney World next week for my last college spring break, and it occurred to me that the last time I was IN Disney World, the headline of the newspaper read that Geri Halliwell, more popularly known as Ginger Spice, was leaving the Spice Girls. That was in 1998. What is that in numbers? I weighed about 60 pounds soaking wet in 1998. Kids that were born that year are getting their learner's permits this year. The iPhone was still 9 years away. Mulan wouldn't be released for another 3 weeks. Oh, and if I didn't stress this enough before, GINGER SPICE LEFT THE SPICE GIRLS THAT YEAR.

4.) I've had a Facebook account for 8 years. That's terrifying.

5.) My youngest sibling just turned 18. My dad and stepmother are now going to retire to the beach like they've been threatening to do for over 10 years.

5 Events That Reminded Me I'm Still A Child At Heart (and that's where it counts, anyway):

1.) I still sleep with a nightlight. There are many causes linked to this, but mainly, I'm just a big ole baby.

2.) I recently had 6 Icees in 7 days, all of which turned my mouth a very vibrant shade of blue. On the Seventh Day, I saw that it was good and I was full, so I rested.

3.) I ate Chef Boyardee Mini Ravioli for lunch 2 days ago. I still haven't graduated to the normal size ravioli.

4.) My drawing skills haven't really improved much since I was about 10 years old. Neither has my penmanship. Oh, and I'm still just as bad at multiplying numbers by 12 in my head. I'm choosing to look at this positively.

5.) I still can't whistle.

March Madness

Contrary to what the title might suggest, this post has nothing to do with basketball. It just happens to be March, in case you didn't know.

Anyway, throughout this month (mainly during Spring Break) and, really, throughout my life, I have compiled a mental list of the things I would like to find in a potential mate. There are the basics: male, good hygiene, and a thorough understanding and mastery of the rules of grammar.

Lately, however, I have begun taking note of more specific features my Mr. Right should possess. I'm really not picky, and most of these are traits I believe every individual should have, but men should definitely, beyond a shadow-of-a-doubt, have these particular ones.

So, the strapping gentleman I marry will:

1.) Be able to throw a spiral.

Not being able to accomplish this task is inexcusable. In fact, for over the majority of my life I was under the impression that being able to throw a spiral was something males came out of the womb knowing how to do. I was sorely incorrect. While at the beach last week, I realized not every person with male genitalia knows how to throw a football properly. I'm not asking for a Tom Brady; I'm just asking for someone who can throw a football better than I can. Just as some ancient tribes required a young lad to kill an animal before he could be considered a man, I believe the United States should require every boy to learn to throw a spiral before he is allowed to play Xbox for the first time.

2.) Know how to grill a steak.

This is imperative. I love a good steak. This also entails that my husband will not be a vegetarian. That is equally imperative. Grilling steaks is an art. Steaks need to be marinated and grilled to perfection - medium. The man I marry will know the difference between medium and medium-well.

3.) Drive in the correct lane.

This is a pet peeve of mine. The left lane is for passing. If there are no cars in the right lane, one should be driving in that lane. Just coasting in the left lane when there is no traffic at all may be harmless, but it's the principle of the thing. Drive in the right lane. Pass in the left lane. It's that simple.

4.) Know directional and spatial orientation.

There are few things more annoying than when a person doesn't have a good grasp on the concepts of north, south, east and west. The Sun rises in the East and sets in the West. Therefore, at almost any time of day, one should be able to know which way is north, which way is south, which way is east, and which way is west.

This also includes people who don't know geographical locations of places in relation to other places. For example, I have a friend from New York who says he's going to "come up and see me." That's dumb. He will not "come up" to Georgia. Georgia is not "up" from New York. It kills me when people can't figure this out.

I had a friend who was from Augusta, Georgia, located very close to South Carolina. I am from a small town in northwest Georgia. My family has a cabin just a little north and to the East, in Blue Ridge, Georgia. I informed my friend that I would be going to my cabin for New Year's Eve, and he, in all seriousness, asked if I could get him on the way. I almost vomited. The only place that Augusta, Georgia, is on the way to from my house is South Carolina, and even that's pushing it. Embarrassing.

5.) Not eat coleslaw.

People who eat rabbit food covered in mayonnaise cannot be trusted.

6.) Know how to change a tire.

This is important. Though I am familiar with the process, using the jack and tightening the lug nuts require a little more effort than I'm willing to put forth sometimes, especially if there is a male around. I have many male friends who can't change a tire, and they should be ashamed of themselves.

Also, knowing how to work a tire gauge is absolutely necessary. I got my oil changed and my tires rotated the other day, and the lady at the dealership who was working the register informed me when I handed her the tire gauge to add to my order that she "wouldn't know what to do with one of those" even if she did have one. She should be fired. That's just bad for business. That would be the equivalent of someone purchasing a George Foreman grill at a Sears, and the cashier declaring he would have no clue what to do with those newfangled things.

7.) Floss.

Brushing teeth is good, but it's just not good enough. There's a reason the dentist packs dental floss in the hygienic goody-bags one gets at each visit. Floss works, but only if we use it. People, both men and women, who don't floss bewilder me. I'm just more concerned with men flossing because my mate's mouth and mine will likely make contact at some point in our courtship and marriage.

8.) Not settle for original Oreos.

The only Oreos worth eating are Double Stuf (yes, that's actually how we are supposed to spell it). Original Oreos are a communist invention intended to fool consumers into thinking that that is the only amount of icing they need. This is a LIE. The proper chocolate-to-icing ratio occurs with the Double Stuf Oreo. Anyone who can't see this or chooses to ignore this is no friend, and certainly no beau, of mine.

9.) Sporcle.

Sporcle is one of the greatest things ever to happen to humanity. My husband will be fully aware of this fact. He will also be able to hold his own while Sporcling.

10.) Support the Georgia Bulldogs.

He doesn't necessarily have to be a graduate from the University of Georgia, though that would be ideal. He MUST, however, like to see them win as much as I do. He must also feel nauseated when they lose. He will know that Herschel Walker is the greatest college running back ever to live. He will know who Sonny Seiler and Vince Dooley are. He will know that it's called the Arch, not the "arches." He will know to say "Go Dawgs," not "Go Bulldogs" or "Go Dogs."


These are traits every decent person should possess.

Observe & Report

January has been a month of sparklingly new observations for me. The following list has been inspired by commercials, conversations, and real-life experiences. Some of these are anecdotes while others are just real head-scratchers. So, please enjoy this fresh, steaming pile of brain juice that I have been working on.


1.) Shipping Prices

Shipping prices really piss me off. I can buy an oven from Overstock.com and ship it for $2.95, but it costs me $7.99 to ship three thongs from VictoriasSecret.com. This makes no sense, and it really grinds my gears.

2.) The toothbrush/toothpaste aisle

If you venture to your local drug store or Wal-Mart, you should take a trip down the dental hygiene aisle, which is really just a big monument to American consumers' stupidity. You see, I can guarantee that every product you see will advertise something to the effect of "Total Care," "Complete," or "Advantage." I, and another dear friend of mine, find this absolutely hilarious because this implies that a previous product only provided partial care. My personal favorite is when I see a toothbrush that advertises "cavity prevention." That's like picking up a box of Hamburger Helper and reading "NEW! Prevents Starvation!" Duh.

The best part of all of this? Americans are just dumb enough to fall for this and will spend $3.00 more on a toothbrush that says "3D Whitening Effects" rather than buying the $1.97 toothbrush that advertises, well, its bristles and plastic handle. What on God's green earth does "3D Whitening Effects" even mean? Must I purchase special goofy glasses for this toothbrush to work?



3.) One of THOSE faces

This is a little different from the previous list items. I have recently been made aware that I have one of those faces. Yep. The face that says, "Yes, I truly care about you, your life, your feelings, and your decisions, so please come share them with me in extensive and exhaustive detail as I do my best to pretend like this is completely normal."

How did this come to my attention? Well, it really hit me on January 1, 2011 in a little place you might have heard of named Memphis. I had just finished consuming the free continental breakfast at the Hampton Inn that I stayed in for zero dollars when a gentleman who had evidently decided that footwear wasn't really his jam says to me, "Can you do me a favor?"

Here's what went through my mind in about 1.5 seconds. No, for the record, I'm not on crack, my neurons just actually fire this rapidly.

"Uh oh. Why did Rachel leave me alone? What favor could this man possibly want? UH OH. He's not wearing shoes. Maybe he forgot them. Maybe he lost them. Maybe he needs my assistance in finding his shoes. Maybe he wants a foot massage. Oh God. Please no. Did he really just walk around this hotel without shoes on his feet? Maybe he's a hobbit. No, he's too tall to be a hobbit. Where's Rachel? I thought she just went to get a bagel. Shoot. Why does he have a clipboard? Clipboards can't be trusted. Oh crap, he's probably got a survey."

Here's what I said:

"Uhhh, yeah, maybe, uhh, what can I help you with?"

He wanted me to listen to some of his music and tell him what I thought about it. Apparently, I have a face that just screams, "PLEASE CAN I SAMPLE YOUR HOMEMADE MUSIC?!"

I also cannot say "no" to people. This is going to get me into a lot of trouble some day, I just know it. Right now, however, it just gets me into really awkward situations.

I agree to tell him what I think of this music, and he hands me his iPod. I look at it with the expression that I had on my face the first time I saw a music video by Lady Gaga. I was puzzled. I then realize that this joker wants me to put his headphones into my ears and listen to this cacophony.

"Oh my God, he wants me to put these buds in my ears. These were just in his ears. He's still not wearing shoes. Can ear wax spread diseases? Where THE HELL IS RACHEL?"
I decide to hold the ear bud up to the right side of my head since this fellow is on the left side of me, and I doubt he has X-ray vision. I then proceed to listen to this music while the young lad tells me his name is Conrad.

"Well, that explains it. Never trust a person who doesn't wear shoes and whose first name begins with 'Con.' WHERE IS RACHEL!!!!!!!!"

Finally, I see Rachel round the corner, and I praise God. She'll surely know how to get me out of this pickle because she's not afraid to say "no" or "HELL NO" when it is warranted. Finally, she sits down and makes it quite obvious that she is ready to get out of Memphis, so I hand the iPod back to Conrad, not to be confused with a comrade, which is what this fellow surely was not, ever-so-reluctantly.

I tell him it was nice to meet him, wish him good luck, and say, "Maybe I'll see your CDs in a Target someday." I'm not really sure what part of me thought that was an appropriate thing to say to this up-and-coming musician, but Conrad just said, "Oh! YOU WILL."

Good to know. Good. To. Know.

We walk off, and Rachel says, "HEIDI! I left you alone for THREE SECONDS. GEEZ."










A couple weeks prior to meeting Conrad, Rachel and I were dining at one of our favorite restaurants in Athens when all of a sudden a little girl starts approaching Rachel from behind. This looks like the beginnings of a sneak attack to me, but apparently, whoever taught this nugget Sneak Attack 101 forgot to mention to her the importance of staying silent. The munchkin is making noises at a decibel level that is highly inappropriate in such a restaurant, but whatever. I can't say I haven't done that, and I'm 2o. This chick was probably 6. So, the girl starts chatting away at Rachel, and I think to myself:

"Wow. Rachel has some really young friends. She must babysit this little tyke. Wait. Why is this girl staring at me. Uh oh. She's making a bee line for me. Fight or flight? FIGHT OR FLIGHT? Oh crap. She's here."

The little girl then picks up my phone and looks at it like Frodo looked at the ring of Sauron for the first time.

"Is this your phone?" she asks, as her eyes fight to stay inside their respective sockets.

"Yeah, it is!" I say a little too enthusiastically. I then notice what I assume to be the second member of the lollipop guild. Both girls have the enthusiasm of Howard Dean when he was on the campaign trail in 2004. I find this a little unnerving, but I'm not one to poop on a party, and I figure that my OtterBox can surely withstand the powers of these young ladies.

Luckily for me and my phone, the pint-sized princess has the attention span of a goldfish and immediately decides it's time to showcase her karate skills.

I soon realize that this ninja-assassin actually had an excellent Sneak Attack 101 professor, contrary to what I had previously assumed, because the little sprite made me think she was safe when she was really biding her time until the opportune moment to reveal that she was actually a Samurai warrior. Well-played, Tinkerbell, well-played.

Out of nowhere, the looney bird grabs my face and makes what seems to be a cross between a yodel and a guttural roar. Just before she eats my face, her parents show up and get minimal control of the situation. They half-heartedly apologize, and I tell them it's alright, but what I really want to ask is what they were doing while their daughter began her rampage and scared the pants off me. I then deduce that they must have been porking in the bathroom because no parents in their right minds would nonchalantly allow their spawn to grab some stranger's face and roar. That's just...indecent.

The parents finally round up their clinically insane offspring and leave the premises as I shake my face out like a wet dog and feel my heart rate slowly start to drop. I then look at Rachel who has a look on her face that is akin to the look I had on my face when I watched Justin Timberlake expose Janet Jackson's ta-ta at the Super Bowl.



Happy January, folks.

"All I Have To Do Is Dream"

Anyone who knows me knows that I have some very crazy dreams. In fact, if a sleep study were ever done on me, I'd say that some pretty incredible results would show up, not to brag. I had a dream last weekend, though, that even I found a little troubling and insane. Enjoy.

So, I never remember exactly how a dream starts, and I don't think I'm alone on that one. The first thing I remember, though, is playing soccer with my high school soccer team. We were all out on the field playing a very well-known team who has been undefeated since soccer was invented. Anyway, it was back to senior year, and the other team got a corner kick. Anyone who watched or participated in my senior year of soccer knows that my team was downright horrendous at defending corner kicks. I look up and, much to my dismay, the opposing team has their ENTIRE team on the field during this corner kick. We have only eleven players. Now, I'm not the best at math, and STAT2000 nearly made me kill myself this semester, but I could recognize that 11 vs. 5 million was an issue for concern. I thus take to screaming at every teammate to tell them where they need to be to defend this corner kick successfully. They all looked at me as if I were speaking that crazy language of the Na'vi on Pandora in the movie Avatar. Somehow, by the grace of God, I'm sure, we managed to defend the corner kick. I am absolutely livid at everyone's failure to act, so naturally, I start screaming my head off at everyone to let them know how useless they are.

The next thing I know I am in my bedroom in my house at school. I have just been informed that I will be "guest-punting," as it was called in my dream, in the next UGA football game, which just happens to be the next day, which also, in my dream, happens to be my birthday. Apparently, Drew Butler was totally fine with this development, and while I found it odd that I would have been chosen for such a task, I decided to rummage around in my closet and dig out my old soccer cleats. I then concluded that someone must have seen my performance in the soccer game I have just described and decided that I was an appropriate substitute punter. I then frantically begin to wonder if I will be supplied with a uniform and pads and football pants or if I should bring my own football wear. I decide to bring my ever-reliable Nike Tempo running shorts (because these are obviously appropriate for a guest appearance in a televised college football game).

Somehow, I end up in an apartment that I have never seen before in my life. All three friends of mine are there, and I am apparently setting up for my birthday festivities. More people begin to show up, and I decide to bring out the Chick-fil-A nugget tray that I had for the occasion (oddly similar to my real-life birthday party this year). All of a sudden, I remember I absolutely must go to my old dorm and get something out of my room. I promptly leave the apartment and sprint over to the dorm, which, in my dream, is now conveniently located right next to this mysterious apartment complex and Sanford Stadium. I finally arrive at my old room only to realize that I don't have my key because I moved out 6 months earlier (duh). I then decide it would be a good idea to run back to the apartment. Upon my arrival, however, I realize I have to also run by the stadium for some pre-game top-secret business. I finally get to the stadium only to forget why I had come, so I decide it's time to run back to the apartment. Please, for entertainment's sake, keep in mind that I have been sprinting this entire time. Anyway, I am running back to the apartment, and I keep seeing people from high school (classmates, teachers, etc.). They all proceed to tell me how great my hair looks flapping wildly in the wind. I am certainly confused, but I continue on my quest.

I finally arrive at the apartment to find only my sister and one of my roommates left. Everyone else had bailed to go to the game. This doesn't trouble me as badly as the fact that all my nuggets are gone. I get really and truly upset that my moocher friends have ravenously scarfed down all my nuggets, so I sit down on the couch and do the only thing left I know to do. I pout. My sister proceeds to ask me what is wrong, so I let her know that I'm pissed that all my nuggets are gone. She then decides to pull out the 6 chicken nuggets she hid under the couch cushion. Touched by her kindness and dumbfounded by her idiocy, I take the nuggets and proceed to wash them off in the sink. Problem solved. I go back to sit on the couch, and my sister says, "I'm glad you're in a better mood."

"Um, what?" I so eloquently respond.

"Yeah, you got pissed earlier because Alex (my roommate) made fun of your skin," my sister tells me.

Dream Heidi thinks this is a perfectly good reason to be angry at someone, especially with my skin insecurities, but before I can protest, I find myself in Belk with my sister and roommate. My sister and roommate are trying on shoes, when my sister decides to tell my roommate that she is her "number 2."

I get super offended by this because I know that my sister's boyfriend must be her "number 1," thus I am only "number 3" in the best-case-scenario. I am fuming, so I storm off into the socks section, and a friend from high school appears. I tell her the treason that my sister has just committed, and she replies with an ever-so-helpful "people suck."

I decide I will just go purchase my socks and leave. I make my way to the register where there is a display of beautiful rings. These aren't cheap, costume jewelry cocktail rings. There are diamonds and rubies and sapphires, and I am positively mesmerized. The cashier informs me that I can have one of the rings. She tells me I get one free with my purchase, and then I'm all, "Lady, I just bought socks. This is a diamond ring."

She is aware and still lets me pick out a ring. I try on several and finally decide on a platinum band with a sapphire stone. I am about to leave the counter when the lady informs me that I have forgotten to take off one of the rings I was trying on, and, silly me, I had. I take off the ring and am on my merry way. I step out of the store and look down, and, much to my surprise, the ring I had just taken off is back on my finger! I rush back into the store to return the ring, and the cashier says jokingly, "Oh, were you trying to steal that ring?"

I think to myself, "Since it was free, no. And had I been trying, I would have succeeded because I had already made it out the door to freedom."

Before I can respond, though, I hear a man's voice behind me. I turn around and what do my eyes behold?? Jesus. Yep. Jesus Christ himself. Did my eyes deceive me? Nope. It was he. And Jesus had apparently gotten hooked up with the guys from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy because he was wearing some stylish jeans and a V-neck t-shirt. I notice that his head is literally glowing. I guess when you're Jesus, your head turns into its own halo.

I am absolutely at a loss for words, but that's okay because Jesus has some for me. He says, "Heidi, I know you're going through a rough time right now, but just have faith, and everything will be okay. Just trust."

I immediately hit the floor and start bawling.

Then, I woke up.

I'm not sure what all that dream meant, but I do know that God wants me to keep on keepin' on, and he sent his son to tell me in a dream.

P.S. The name of this post is also the name of an Everly Brothers song. It's a good one. It was #141 on Rolling Stone's "500 Greatest Songs of All Time."

25 Reasons I Am Head-Over-Heels in Love With December

I really like the month of November. It contains my birthday, my mother's birthday, Thanksgiving, and many other wonderful things. That being said, I LOOOOOOOOVE December. If I ever meet a boy/man named December, I will surely marry him. December is the greatest, and here are 25 reasons why:

1.) Christmas
I realize there is great speculation surrounding the date of the birth of Jesus Christ, but I accept December 25th wholeheartedly. People who tell me this date is incorrect really piss me off. Do they just happen to know exactly what day Jesus was born? Were they there? I highly doubt it, though I'm not one to claim that anything is impossible.

So, in my mind and heart, December 25 is Jesus's birthday, and since I love Jesus a whole whole lot, I really love this day.

2.) Listening to Christmas music isn't weird anymore
I have strong feelings for Christmas music. I usually start listening to it at the end of September every year. Is this strange? Some would think so (and by "some," I, of course, mean "most"). I do not listen to Christmas music constantly, however, until November, which is only half as fanatical, so do not be alarmed. I absolutely love my Christmas With The Rat Pack CD, and I believe if it weren't for iTunes and iPods, I would have worn a hole straight through the disc by now.

3.) Lights
Lights are great. Without lights, including sunlight, we would perpetually walk around in darkness, which is a pretty scary thought. I can't think about winter and Christmas without thinking about lights. At this time of year, lights decorate Main Street in my hometown, lights decorate houses and porches, and lights decorate trees. I can't think of a reason not to like lights, especially colorful ones.

4.) Everything is more beautiful
In the winter, which starts in December, I'll have you know, I truly believe everything is more beautiful. Winter often brings snow (maybe not in Georgia, necessarily), and snow is white unless someones pees in it, and white blankets cover everything. White is the color of purity, which leads my over-active mind to believe that everything is more natural in the winter.

I am also more beautiful in the winter because I no longer sweat when I walk into the sauna that is Georgia humidity. Most other girls are more beautiful, too, in my opinion, because they no longer visit tanning beds. Their skin is their natural color, and I think that's much prettier anyway. I wish tanning beds never had been invented. Now, I'm rambling.

5.) Christmas movies
One of my favorite movies of all time is Home Alone. I can watch this as many times throughout December as I please, and it's not frowned upon. Other great Christmas movies? Home Alone 2, A Christmas Story, Love Actually, The Santa Claus (1 & 2), Miracle on 34th Street, and It's a Wonderful Life.

6.) Christmas Candy
All the grocery stores and Wal-Marts and Targets have Christmas candy sections, and my sweet tooth goes into shock at this wondrous sight. The best are Christmas Nerds because they are red and green and white, and those are my favorite flavors of Nerds, anyway.

7.) Love is in the air
Rates of depression and suicide during this time of year may dispute this, but I think love is magnified. I think that people love others during December like they should love them the entire year.

8.) Baking
I realize baking is possible and acceptable throughout the year, but it's much better during December. FACT.

9.) Mistletoe
Anything that can be used as an excuse to kiss is alright in my book. I haven't actually been kissed under mistletoe, but if I find that boy named December, I have a feeling that's where we will kiss.

10.) Fireplaces
Fireplaces are great sources of warmth. Little do most people know, however, is that fireplaces are also great sources of happiness, Santa Clauses, and, if you happen to have some floo powder, they can take you anywhere you want to go.

11.) December birthdays:

Taylor Swift was born on December 13th, 1989. Anyone who knows me even just a little knows that I love Taylor Swift.

Walt Disney was born on December 5th, 1901. Walt Disney was/is the man.

Frank Sinatra was born on December 12, 1915. Sinatra is legend.

Jimmy Buffett was born on December 25, 1946, and for all you knuckleheads out there, that's Christmas Day. It just so happens that one of my favorite people of all time in the history of humanity was born on the same day as my absolute favorite person of all time in the history of humanity...that's Jesus, by the way.

12.) Family
I get to see family during December. Though my family sometimes drives me insane, I really love seeing them during the holidays.

13.) Bowl Games
'Tis the season for bowl games. To soften the blow of the regular season ending, God gave the U.S. bowl games.

14.) New Year's Eve
This is always fun because I get to pretend I'm going to stop doing some sort of ridiculous habit the next day, when in my mind, I know I'm going to keep on being me.
There is also Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's Eve, and the Peach Drop in Atlanta, which is pretty exciting, if you ask me.

15.) 25 Days of Christmas on ABC Family
This network knows what I like, no doubt about it.

16.) No shorts
It's obviously too cold this time of year to be wearing shorts in public, which is great because my legs are sub-par at best. I also am not required by society to shave my legs because no one will know. That's gross, and I'm sorry.

And best of all, no shorts means no jorts.

17.) Holiday Commercials
I watch the most television during this time of year for several reasons, one being the spectacular holiday commercials. The best commercials are the Coca-Cola holiday commercials, hands down. Who doesn't love seeing a baby polar bear enjoy a nice cold beverage? No one. That's who.

18.) Historical Events

Some super-great things happened in the month of December. Here are a few:
- December 3, 1775: The first American flag was raised aboard the "U.S.S. Alfred." I love America.
- December 5, 1933: Prohibition ended in the United States. People could finally enjoy their booze.
- December 15, 1791: The Bill of Rights went into effect. It is because of this document's passage that I can write this blog post.
-December 17, 1903: Orville and Wilbur Wright's first successful manned flight occurred at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Thanks to them, we can fly!
- December 21, 1620: Some people called "Pilgrims" landed at this place in Massachusetts that we now refer to as Plymouth. This was pretty important.
- December 23, 1823: "A Visit from St. Nicholas" (Better known today as "The Night Before Christmas") by Clement C. Moore was published.
- December 24, 1894: Henry Ford completed his first successful gasoline engine. This led to the car, which led to American laziness, and that's fine by me.
- December 25, 336: The first recorded Christmas was celebrated in Rome.
- December 26, 1991: This marked the end of the Soviet Union. That's something to celebrate, in my opinion.

19.) People-watching
People-watching occurs all the time. At its most extreme, it is called stalking, but people-watching happens to be a hobby of mine. December makes people-watching in malls, airports, etc., that much more exciting.

20.) "Merry Christmas"
When else is it socially acceptable in the U.S. to say merry?

21.) Candles
Candles smell way better in the winter. There are better scents, and I have a theory that winter air makes candles more enjoyable to one's olfactory cells.

22.) I can bundle up and not look as strange
I get cold very easily. I have my space-heater on in June. In the winter, I can wear jackets and scarves and mittens and hats, and I almost fit in.

23.) Elves
I like little people. Little people with pointy ears are even better.

24.) More time for reading
I like to read. It is an enjoyable activity, and it makes me feel more intelligent. During December, I get to read much more often, and I actually get to choose the books I read.

25.) End of the Semester
The end of the semester means final exams, which is what I should be studying for right now.

I hope this makes even the Grinchiest person's heart grow at least two sizes.


P.S. The painting at the top of this post is by Thomas Kinkade. He's a beast with a paintbrush.

November Musings

I slacked for the month of October. I have many excuses for this. October sucked. I'd go out on a limb and say it was the worst month this year. Also, I have experienced a great lack of inspiration. Usually, my post ideas just hit me, like a brisk slap in the face. One day while I was walking on campus, I saw someone with cankles, and BOOM. Blog Post. October was seriously lacking in the BOOM moments.

Now, it is November, my second-favorite month of the whole year. (December wins.) Here are my random musings. You know, things I like, things I don't like, things that confuse me, things that scare me, etc.

People who walk slowly

I walk very quickly. In fact, some might refer to my walk as a slow jog. I know this about myself, and I'm fully aware I walk at pace that is unsafe for the average Joe Blow. I am not the average Joe Blow. I can recognize a normal pace, a fast pace, a Heidi pace, and a slow pace.

The slow pace people are the easiest to identify. These are the people who make me late for class, meetings, dinner, etc. These are the people who would be walking backward if they walked any slower. These people induce frequent headaches and rage. Furthermore, I am sure to judge these people in the most absurd of ways. I understand that my pace of walking is common for a person with a Type-A personality. Therefore, when I encounter a pedestrian doubling as a paraplegic turtle, I automatically enter my mental courtroom and begin judging the offender on the provided evidence. I deduce that the pace of walking must mirror the pace at which the person thinks. Therefore, I conclude the person is dull and with no ambition, for that person cannot even muster enough energy to walk at a normal speed. I realize this assumption is unfounded and a little preposterous at times, but people need to speed it up or move out of the way.

Cheerios

I am confident that this is the most pointless cereal of all time. Its one perk, in my opinion, is available elsewhere. It lowers cholesterol...how splendid...so does running. I would rather run than eat Cheerios. They have no taste. They are shaped like Froot Loops but are smaller and are the color of cement. That is not appealing. I also cannot understand feeding one's offspring Cheerios. I see this all the time. I believe this fosters resentment in one's child, and he/she will grow up to hate his/her parents. Mark my words.

Physical Attraction

I like boys. Nope, scratch that. I like MEN. Tall, dark, handsome, brawny shoulders, nice teeth, you know, the whole shebang. I find it interesting that we all have differences in judging attraction. Some (I hope) might find me attractive, whereas others would rather experience open-heart surgery while wide-awake than be forced to hug/kiss me.

So, what is it that makes us attractive to some and not to others? Why do some prefer blonds while others prefer brunettes? Why do nerdy guys appeal to me, whereas hairy guys scare me? They say it has to do with hormones and primitive desires that aid in finding a suitable mate for procreation. Maybe that's true, but if so, then why do some people find skinny, less-than-tan males to be suitable vessels for continuing the human race, while others prefer jacked and tanned fellas for procreation purposes?

This will forever puzzle me. I just hope that one day a fine gentleman will subconsciously deem me appropriate and worthy to carry on the species.

Guys and rainboots

Days like today (rainy and cold) make me very grateful to whoever invented galoshes. I looked up the history of galoshes on the ever-reliable Wikipedia.org, and it's quite interesting.

When I'm trekking across campus in my rain boots, I pity the poor young men who cannot wear rain boots. It makes me wonder why it is socially unacceptable for a guy to wear rain boots to keep his feet from getting soggy. We all know that if we saw a young man wearing rain boots, we would likely do a double-take. I find this quite unfortunate for men, but I also find child-birth unfortunate for women, so I guess dudes will just have to endure soggy feet. Either way, I have a dream that one day peoples of both sexes may wear rain boots and live in harmony.

J.M. Barrie and Peter Pan

Anyone who truly knows me knows that I love all things pertaining to Peter Pan and J.M. Barrie. It's a strange fascination, and I'm fully aware of this. J.M. Barrie could possibly be considered a little weird. I believe he would be misunderstood, but I also believe he was one of the greatest minds to ever grace humanity. His creativity is astounding, and he truly was a lover. He loved people and life. I like to think we would be friends.

Peter Pan is just amazing. He got to live in Neverland and have adventures. He had a friend who just happened to be a fairy, and he could fly. Oh, and he never had to grow up. That's the life. Of course, we all know he didn't have a mother, which blows, but he still has/had a pretty amazing life. Peter Pan reminds me to stay youthful.

"To love would be an awfully big adventure." - J.M. Barrie (The Boy Who Wouldn't Grow Up/Peter Pan)

Anyway, this post doesn't have much point except to express my random thoughts. Happy November!

Kids on Leashes?

I consider myself a pretty intelligent person, relatively speaking. There are some things, however, that I can honestly say I will never be able to understand. Enjoy!

1.) Kids on leashes.

If a parent puts his/her child on a leash, it means one of two things: either the child is a crazy, Rosemary's baby clone who, given the opportunity, will wreak havoc on all his/her surroundings, OR the parent sucks so much that given the opportunity, the child will make a mad dash to escape the life to which he/she is unfortunately bound. If a parent truly is that horrible, he/she needs a lot more than a leash to solve his/her problems.

2.) People who dress up their pets.

Cats and dogs are cats and dogs. They are not children. They, in most cases, have fur. The fur is there to keep them warm. Thus, they do not need clothes. If you force your animal to wear dresses and toenail polish, not only does your pet look a fool, but so do you.

The only exception to this is Uga. He can wear jerseys all day long. Am I biased? Maybe.

3.) Boys/Men.

Every time I think I have a grasp on this group of people, I am once again proven horribly incorrect.

4.) Theories of Economics.

I passed ECON 2105. I do not remember a thing from that class. That is probably best explained by the fact that I never understood anything in the class while I was taking it. Don't ask me why we are in a recession. The only answer I can begin to provide is that people aren't buying things. I am 100% aware that that is not a sufficient answer. I realize that not understanding economics makes me seem very inept and ignorant, but the fact of the matter is, I do not plan to run for public office, nor am I majoring in economics, so I will refrain from worrying about my lack of knowledge in this matter. I will leave this puzzling bit of life to those more suited to tackle it than I am.

5.) Lady Gaga.

I believe that she is creative, talented, and original, but in all honesty, she scares the beegeezus out of me. If I ever saw her in an airport, for instance, I would drop my luggage and run as fast as I could in the opposite direction.

6.) People who camp out for iPhones, iPads, and things of the like. If this gadget is more important to you than sleeping is, then I simply cannot relate. I cannot figure out what an upgraded version of what someone already has can do so impeccably that one would feel the need to lose sleep and sanity to get one's grubby paws on such an object. The exception to this? Harry Potter books. I have respect for people who camped out for those.

Harry Potter > iPhone.

7.) Terrorism.

Killing is uncool. Killing lots of people is lots of uncool. Killing out of obstinacy or ignorance is about as cool as a fanny pack.

8.) Most reality television shows.

Reality shows are silly to me because rarely do the people on the show have cooler or funnier lives than I do. I'm not being arrogant, I'm simply claiming that most reality TV stars are even more lame than I am. In the rare event that a reality TV star does have a cooler or funnier life than I do, I proceed to get jealous, which makes the show quite unpleasant. I would rather watch shows that are 100% made-up. They are 100% funnier, anyway.

Also, reality shows lie. They are the opposite of real, and I'm no fan of frauds.

9.) People who smoke around babies.

If you smoke, that's your choice, and last time I checked, the United States was still a relatively free country. But if you smoke around innocent babies, you deserve a swift kick in the ass.

10.) People who don't like candy, cakes, brownies, cupcakes, ice-cream, etc.

These people are not to be trusted.

11.) People who vehemently claim that they do not like to read.

These people rarely have a good reason for this claim, and the most popular reason is, "Reading is boring." No. Reading isn't boring. You're boring.

12.) The majority of rap music.

When I say I can't understand rap music, I don't mean that I don't like rap music. I literally just cannot understand it...in the same way that I cannot understand German. I am not embarrassed to say that I always have to Google the lyrics out of fear of being humiliated in public when I am at a loss for the "lyrics" to a rap song.