Contrary to what the title might suggest, this post has nothing to do with basketball. It just happens to be March, in case you didn't know.
Anyway, throughout this month (mainly during Spring Break) and, really, throughout my life, I have compiled a mental list of the things I would like to find in a potential mate. There are the basics: male, good hygiene, and a thorough understanding and mastery of the rules of grammar.
Lately, however, I have begun taking note of more specific features my Mr. Right should possess. I'm really not picky, and most of these are traits I believe every individual should have, but men should definitely, beyond a shadow-of-a-doubt, have these particular ones.
So, the strapping gentleman I marry will:
1.) Be able to throw a spiral.
Not being able to accomplish this task is inexcusable. In fact, for over the majority of my life I was under the impression that being able to throw a spiral was something males came out of the womb knowing how to do. I was sorely incorrect. While at the beach last week, I realized not every person with male genitalia knows how to throw a football properly. I'm not asking for a Tom Brady; I'm just asking for someone who can throw a football better than I can. Just as some ancient tribes required a young lad to kill an animal before he could be considered a man, I believe the United States should require every boy to learn to throw a spiral before he is allowed to play Xbox for the first time.
2.) Know how to grill a steak.
This is imperative. I love a good steak. This also entails that my husband will not be a vegetarian. That is equally imperative. Grilling steaks is an art. Steaks need to be marinated and grilled to perfection - medium. The man I marry will know the difference between medium and medium-well.
3.) Drive in the correct lane.
This is a pet peeve of mine. The left lane is for passing. If there are no cars in the right lane, one should be driving in that lane. Just coasting in the left lane when there is no traffic at all may be harmless, but it's the principle of the thing. Drive in the right lane. Pass in the left lane. It's that simple.
4.) Know directional and spatial orientation.
There are few things more annoying than when a person doesn't have a good grasp on the concepts of north, south, east and west. The Sun rises in the East and sets in the West. Therefore, at almost any time of day, one should be able to know which way is north, which way is south, which way is east, and which way is west.
This also includes people who don't know geographical locations of places in relation to other places. For example, I have a friend from New York who says he's going to "come up and see me." That's dumb. He will not "come up" to Georgia. Georgia is not "up" from New York. It kills me when people can't figure this out.
I had a friend who was from Augusta, Georgia, located very close to South Carolina. I am from a small town in northwest Georgia. My family has a cabin just a little north and to the East, in Blue Ridge, Georgia. I informed my friend that I would be going to my cabin for New Year's Eve, and he, in all seriousness, asked if I could get him on the way. I almost vomited. The only place that Augusta, Georgia, is on the way to from my house is South Carolina, and even that's pushing it. Embarrassing.
5.) Not eat coleslaw.
People who eat rabbit food covered in mayonnaise cannot be trusted.
6.) Know how to change a tire.
This is important. Though I am familiar with the process, using the jack and tightening the lug nuts require a little more effort than I'm willing to put forth sometimes, especially if there is a male around. I have many male friends who can't change a tire, and they should be ashamed of themselves.
Also, knowing how to work a tire gauge is absolutely necessary. I got my oil changed and my tires rotated the other day, and the lady at the dealership who was working the register informed me when I handed her the tire gauge to add to my order that she "wouldn't know what to do with one of those" even if she did have one. She should be fired. That's just bad for business. That would be the equivalent of someone purchasing a George Foreman grill at a Sears, and the cashier declaring he would have no clue what to do with those newfangled things.
7.) Floss.
Brushing teeth is good, but it's just not good enough. There's a reason the dentist packs dental floss in the hygienic goody-bags one gets at each visit. Floss works, but only if we use it. People, both men and women, who don't floss bewilder me. I'm just more concerned with men flossing because my mate's mouth and mine will likely make contact at some point in our courtship and marriage.
8.) Not settle for original Oreos.
The only Oreos worth eating are Double Stuf (yes, that's actually how we are supposed to spell it). Original Oreos are a communist invention intended to fool consumers into thinking that that is the only amount of icing they need. This is a LIE. The proper chocolate-to-icing ratio occurs with the Double Stuf Oreo. Anyone who can't see this or chooses to ignore this is no friend, and certainly no beau, of mine.
9.) Sporcle.
Sporcle is one of the greatest things ever to happen to humanity. My husband will be fully aware of this fact. He will also be able to hold his own while Sporcling.
10.) Support the Georgia Bulldogs.
He doesn't necessarily have to be a graduate from the University of Georgia, though that would be ideal. He MUST, however, like to see them win as much as I do. He must also feel nauseated when they lose. He will know that Herschel Walker is the greatest college running back ever to live. He will know who Sonny Seiler and Vince Dooley are. He will know that it's called the Arch, not the "arches." He will know to say "Go Dawgs," not "Go Bulldogs" or "Go Dogs."
These are traits every decent person should possess.
